Author:
Gyr
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Lady in Red

The past two mornings I have woken to conversation with a spirit I initially met as the Lady in Red. We’ve been working with each other for some time and that relationship is deepening considerably as I work though deeper shades of nearly lifelong depression. I’m naturally analytical and trend ‘in my head,’ yet this spirit is calling me deeper into my inner world to remediate my fire.

My former life as an organic vegetable and cut flower grower was driven. Long days, weeks and seasons were the norm in a season that was a financial make or break situation. Unlike many other farmers, I chose to make my primary living off farms with low margins and competitive marketplaces. This leads to a number of belief systems that have got to go.

In farming I learned how to do everything as efficiently and effectively as possible. The low margin game meant that both myself and employees had to be as productive as possible working in whatever weather we were given. I learned to deepen my independence, figuring out how to many difficult tasks with two pairs of hands instead of four or six. I learned that I needed to be the first on and the last off in order to make sure all of the details were covered, paychecks were signed, and everything in place for the next day’s farmers’ market.

Each year I would go through the season’s comedown as the days shortened. Seasonal workers that dive into the stress and adrenaline of the growing season can find themselves having a serotonin collapse at the end of the season. To me this feels like Seasonal Affective Disorder on steroids, as if all the light and energy of the season had left me and there was little left to do but collapse. Yet, the wood still needed to be split and stacked, hundreds of dahlia tubers dug and washed, and greenhouses planted to cold hardy winter crops.

One of the conscious reasons that I got into farming to work through my trauma. I figured that if I exhausted myself enough I would at least have a chance to get it out of me. While some of that happened, the deeper rivers of expression based in anger, stress, and control continued. I used these negative emotions to motivate myself into driven action.

Then, as I began doing my inner work, my motivational centers collapsed. I no longer knew how to drive myself having come to terms with the ill-impacts of being driven from fear based anger, stress and control. Through hypnosis, self-hypnosis, and spontaneous healings I had emptied my subconscious cup, yet the upwelling of a fire based in higher frequency emotions had yet to be discovered.

I wonder if bypassing the deep inner work, of avoiding looking at it, hasn’t kept me stuck in a demotivated place. If so, then this is my lesson to learn. The consequence of maintaining low personal power in order to avoid re-living or releasing the pain of the past. The road forward is clear for the moment, and awareness leaps have given me the perspective and insight to better work through my malingering history with grace and ease.

The Lady in Red first appeared to me as a tall, thin, pale woman with amazing red hair, red eyes, her clothes trimmed in the same colors as her complexion. Her fiery nature was apparent, and it scared me. I first knew her as the Red Woman, then Cleopatra, then Cleo, then Aslan, as if the changing of names might spark something in my myth and belief system. After some group work I was able to work with her as a helping spirit for divination, yet there was always a distance there. . . as if I wasn’t quite ready. Then, just the other morning, I was able to open to her more fully.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you have avoided or attempted to hide from something you didn’t want to look at and then, finally, realized that looking at it was so much less painful than continuing to carry it and dump energy into avoidance? Our renewed meeting the other morning was of that sort. She reminded me of a middle aged woman, who’s seen some shit and knew sternly that self-kindness was a missing piece of my puzzle. With that kindness can come radical self-acceptance now that the door of self-kindness has opened.

Abstractly, I have all of this down, right? We were born innocent, we were indoctrinated, trained and tamed to exist in a world based on our history. Then, our domesticators taught us to police ourselves and we, to a greater or lesser degree, got hooked into ‘The Big Lie’ that says that the known way of doing anything and everything is the only way. The present is stagnant. You can’t expect much of people. You are just like your father or mother. You have a place in our economic system that is static. Life is easier if you follow the instructions handed to you daily. Don’t look at what you REALLY want. Don’t even consider that. It is not possible and you will wreck yourself and everything you hold dear if you even try.

about author

Gyr

A dad, a kid, a kelpie and two cat brothers rubbertramping around the country doing our best to live authentic lives while awakening to our birthright. 

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